catching up...

catching up...

on loop: Like A Stone ~ Azure

hrmmm... i'm feeling quite displaced these past few days, as if i'm operating mechanically. sure, i do my schoolwork, stay home, hang out with my friends and do the usual things i do, but it's as if i don't feel myself doing any of it. is this what it means to be stuck in a rut? i get the feeling that i'm just some sort of a drifter trying to get on with the flow but really, i have no idea where i'm headed. life's crazy. this calls for a moment of reflection...

also lately, i've been realizing that i'm old. not rickety-kinda old but more of old in the sense that there are already a lot of experiences that i can look back on, and the fact that i have banked on them is simply overwhelming. i guess i just haven't gotten used to thinking of myself as a soon-to-be non-teenager anymore. i suppose i'll never really see myself any older than seventeen. i'm probably afraid of the responsibilities and uncertainties that come with age. i am not physically old... i am young and spry. but inside of me, i have been left by the times and i have some catching up to do. i think i've neglected myself these past several years. too much wandering around aimlessly, i guess. what i need right now is to focus on the things i want for my myself to better preapre me for the future 'coz i sure as hell am not ready for that.

scary thought... this getting old business. it really shouldn't be scary. what makes it scary is that i'm scared of it... excuse the nonsense, by the way. mental diarrhea. one should be ready and excited to face up to the challenges each day of life brings... not scared of it. which i am. there are times when i get attacks of pessimism and i see all the areas of my life that are left wanting. and i have to bring myself to realize that despite not having everything, i do have something. a lot of somethings, actually. and for these, i should be extremely grateful. i'm sure that in time (and yikes, age), i'll be able to sincerely say that i have truly grown as a person and learned not just from my mistakes, but from my successes as well.