bah

nature has this really funky way of evening things out, doesn't it? like, you can't have too much good things happen to you so the good 'ol guys in charge of this balance throws in a dash or two of bad luck or what-not just for good measure... and vice versa.

last thursday, i found out that i failed my accounting subject. i was around seven grade points away from the passing score. it was so unbelievably depressing that i ended up staring off into space for the whole night contemplating about my life... and life itself in general. now what's so deathly about flunking an impossible subject, you ask? none actually... since it's pretty much normal news to flunk a subject that was meant to be flunked anyway (just kidding). anyway, this was to be my second time to take this subject already ('coz, guess what? that's right, i flunked it the first time i took it), so it was essential that i pass it if i wanted to keep my course, which i so badly wanted to. what was worse was the fact that i've failed a number of subjects from past semesters (math ones, what else?) which means i'm in serious trouble of getting kicked out. i could go look the other way about the matter and say that it's all right to fluvk a few subjects and end up getting kicked out... it's a hard university anyway and there are others where you'd get in to after. believe me, i tried to make this mentality work... and only ended up having a panic attack slash nervous breakdown. i love my school. 'nuff said. i don't want to leave. at that moment, i understood completely what probably was the state of mind of the son of one of our affluent and infamous female senators. her son took his life after failing a subject in ateneo law school. melodramatic i know, but for a moment, i wasn't far from following in his footsteps then i guess the smarter part of me decided to slap me to get me to get up and go and stop thinking 'bout silly stupid-ass stuff.

so anyway, the next day i immediately went to school with the resolve to appeal for permission to take the removal exams ('coz i was only two grade points away from the removal exam qualification). when i got to the management department, i was ready to launch into a sob story so as to illicit a few merciful nods from the powers-that-be. what greeted me shocked the daylights outta me. i was already part of the list who were to take the exam! God has granted me another chance. it's so simple right now as i type it down but the cesspool of emotions gurgling all over me at that time were so intense that i ended up running out into corridors smiling while crying (psycho, i know). the removal exam was to be the next day after i found out... not much time to study 12 accounting chapters, but i was determined and invigorated. i spent the entire night and day before the test isolating myself in a dingy, sparsely furnished room in my dad's office studying (something i have ever done before). and when the time came for me to take THE TEST, i felt ready yet apprehensive. to cut it short, i feel good and happy about the exam... hope i passed :)

that, among other positive things have been happening to me for the past few days. but as i said, nature decided to rear it's head into my business and decided that i've had enough of the miracle happy pill and had me take some of the bitter stuff. first, i lost my puppy. one i love so dearly and am only learning to appreciate and creat a bond with. found out only a few hours back... how sad. another thing is the realization that i am never really sure if i won't get kicked out (i failed a ton of subjects back then)... i know it's really all my fault and i have no intention of pinning the blame on anyone, but the fact that i have come to terms with the my-fault thingy is quite a pulldown. that and a number of other things have sprung up these last few days and are bugging me intensely. i'm just praying for the strenght to get over this. it may seem so trivial as compared to what others might be going through but the thing here is that i don't do comparison of problems. i think it's dumb and pointless. it wouldn't be a problem if it were inconsequential and meaningless... also, it wouldn't be a problem if it didn't have a solution. that keeps me going.

i also have a feeling that i won't be able to go to any beach for the entire summer. sob. i've been dying for a break! i hope my feeling's wrong. it's too soon to assume, i guess. sigh. life.