nutty'ng (angst post ito ah...)

nutty'ng (angst post ito ah...)

on loop: get right ~ j. lo

harhar my title's so lame. anyway, i've made up my mind. i don't think i'll be going back to ateneo anymore. it really breaks me to say so because i don't see myself in any other school, but that's the way it has to be. there are way too many complications if i were to stay. it's hard to explain but i guess i'll really have to get on to another school. i may have to start all over again and i don't know how i'll ever be able to explain my decision to my dad... but time has a way of unraveling issues on it's own. i'm just hoping that good fortune would prevail.

there are too many issues and it's really tough for me to confront it, so i'll guess i'll just have to live with it. and i feel that if i start talking about it, it would seem all too real. i'm in what one could call a denial stage. the true blue real deal. ahahay. my years in ateneo were the best years of my life, no doubt about that. it developed my character so much and it would have been able to make me a better person if only i kept on and stayed. but i guess it's too late for regrets, what if's and should have's. i hate regrets.

now all i'm having a dilemma about is where i'm going to transfer. la salle would be great but it's too far. too much expense (i'm really money-conscious nowadays) and too far (i need all the time i can get to study). i might apply at UST... it's a good school and at the same time, it's not too far. i just hope that i would be able to do good in that school. honestly, i have big dreams for myself. really huge dreams... i want to be comfortable in life and have a succesful career. and somehow, i was brought up with the notion that only a good education would be able to do that for me. having a job now has taught me so many valuable life lessons. i learned that money can only last you so long and get you so far. you need ability and skill to win in this game.

and another thing that i've grown to hate are connections. i hate people who rely too much on connections. they will never learn and grow on their own. actually, i don't hate them. i personally have nothing against them. i guess i just feel sort of apathetic towards them. it would be difficult for them to stand on their own and earn merit through their own hard work when their connection won't pull through. in a society that gives too much value on prestige and power, it would still be the "ma-abilidad" who will stand out and tough it out in the end. i only hope that when the time comes, i would have enough ability and skills to pull me through. not that i wouldn't want anyone to lean on or ask for help, it's just that i don't want to depend too much on others. coz i know that those others won't always be there for me and i'd hate to have no one to turn to when i expect and need someone to be there.

i won't be a hypocrite and say that money isn't everything and that i don't give two shits about it. actually, it's the most important thing for me. financial security is what i'm all about. it's nice to have money from yuor parents but they ain't gonna be there all the time. and i could always say that my future husband would support me, but i know better than that. my mom brought me up better than to believe in that. di naman ako pwede umasa na lang sa asawa. i will have to do my part... and i will have to earn. and i have no plans of getting married not until i have my own house, car and business. i would first have to have the capability of fending for myself and living comfortable with enough to spare for rainy days and of course, kids.

ayoko naman na magkaroon ng high standards and expectations for the person i will marry if i myself won't be able to meet the standards i have set. because what i would want in a husband is a good education, smarts, ma-abilidad and hard working, among others. and above all, i would want someone with ambition and the drive and will to achieve it. i would be extremely lucky to end up with someone like that. i promise to work hard in everything i do, and i promise to try to start now. as soon as sort the kinks out of my life. i guess i would want to be able to lead an independent life... both financially and emotionally. i really wouldn't want to be too dependent on anything impermanent. i think it makes one vulnerable... and somewhat weak. but of course this is just my opinion. i'm not making any sweeping statements. i'm just speaking for myself.

my mom told me early on to wisen up in life. i never really did up until a few years back. i know what people's motives are. i may not always be correct but i usually get a good feel of it and though i don't tell it to their faces when i know that they're using me, i keep it in my mind. that way, i am wise and guarded. sometimes people think that they're getting the better of me when i let them have their own ways, but actually it's just a sort of diversion i sometimes have to pull in order for me to be able to pull out all the stops. of all the things i hate, it's being used. so to those people who may think and feel that i may be referring to them, don't even ask me anymore if it's you. you know it's you. and now you know that i know. i don't have to tell you... bahala ka na, alam niyo na yun. it should suffice to say that i think you people are so pretentious and fake, and that you make me sick.

i'm just letting all my angst out right now before it settles down again and comes up some other time. i'm really not the type of person who's very vocal about what i feel or think. i usually just shut up and let people do their thing while i get by to do my own. and i really, really hate it when people try to pry things out of me or when they make me do things i don't want to and mistake my not wanting to as a for of weakness or gullibility. news flash, idiots. it's called living a life of your own. no need to drag others to think the same way you do just so you could somehow 'validate' your sentiments. you don't need others to agree with you for your point to be valid... you'd have to stand by it yourself. walang pakialamanan ng sentimyento ng iba. kung ayaw kang sang-ayunan ng tao, wag mong pilitan at magmumukhang gago ka lang. live and let live.

i wish that the right people would be able to read my post. i've got so much more to say but it's too much angst for one day (harhar it rhymes). i didn't mean to be so edgy with my post... i actually started out ok and pretty cool and tame, but then one thought led to another and before i knew it, all this angst was pouring out. nyahaha. nakulob ata. and i'm just hoping that no one would tell me to not keep my sentiments bottled up so much because the next tiem anyone would say that, i just might smack him. eh sa ganito nga ako eh, pakialam mo ba ha? wag ka nang umeksena... nagmamagaling ka namaan eh. tigilan mo nako ok? kanya kanya lang yan, as what i always say. different strokes for different folks as what others would say.

anyway i'm really sorry for those who are bored outta their minds reading this post and thanks for actually even reading it. i just hope that my message would get into the heads of the right people. i wish they would realize that it's them i'm talking about. and kung nagdududa pa sila, wag na. and wag na sana nila ako tanungin kung siala nga ba, coz i'll just say no and shrug it off. but if they're smart and decent enough to think and recognize themselves, they would wake up and smell the (bitter) coffee. i know i myslef am not perfect... i have so many flaws in every aspect of my personality and i know that i have a long way to go before i become any closer to a good person but i'm working on it and hopefully, i'll reach it in one piece. i'm just really glad that there are still a few true people in the world who somehow make things all right and turn my days into brighter ones. thank god for them. pardon all the melodrasma and shit, it's just one of those days.