acid test

acid test

on loop: these words ~ natasha bedingfield

it's such a shock to have your life all planned out one minute, then all empty and non-directional the next. so weird to have it happen right in front of you and yet you hardly saw it coming. that's probably what they mean when they say "you wouldn't know it till it bit you right in the nose". roughly 72 hours ago, i had quite a vivid blueprint of how i was going to live out the near future. i was going to study, of course, it is my number one priority (up there with family and God). it would be a prerequisite for my number two priority, career. i didn't want to end up as some jobless bum roaming around for hand-me-downs. i do not want to be mediocre. and i do not want to live a life of regret, knowing that at one point, i had somehow let go of everything because of several stupid decisions.

stopping school for this coming semester is not a decision for me. it is a consequence. though i could say that i could have stayed in school, i know that i am headed downhill. it's too soon to say that this LOA might be for the better, because i don't know if it really is. i should have made better use of my time these past few months. i was too jaded to realize that life cannot be lived on a day to day basis... i should have had some sense of forethought and planning for the future. i had forgotten about tomorrows, and lived for todays and yesterday. my dad told me that tomorrows are merely today's yesterdays, or something to that effect. he said that i am being put on "acid test", to determine what, i am not sure.

going on LOA isn't really a big, dramatic deal. i guess it's just the disappointment and loss of time that's not settling that well with me. i cannot afford to lie around thinking of things to do with my life... i have to keep moving. but unfortunately, things took a turn for something else. i know that there really is no one else to blame but me. i failed to be efficient with my life. i really should have known better. it really is true what my mom always told me when i was young that "nasa huli talaga ang pagsisisi (regret is always at the end)". i should have listened to my parents. they certainly knew better. but i don't believe in dwelling on should-haves and what-ifs... contemplating about them is good enough, but as soon as you get the lesson out of the experience, i think i should move on and quit regrets and finger-pointing.

as of now, i really don't want to deal with any stress or pressure. i want to plan my time well. i'm thinking of getting a job, in a (typical filipino fashion) call center if ever i can learn the ropes of landing a job there. it's better that i earn some money while i'm not in school. my friend's sister works in one and he might help me apply there. it's not so easy as it seems after all, there are certain terms (such as CSR and TSR) regarding the industry that i should be familiar with. starting pay is around 12k a month. not so bad, i guess. i want to keep myself busy for the 6 months or so that i'll be out of school. it'll be my first real taste of life outside the academic environment. i'm scared, i admit. it is after all, my first tiem to venture into this. i want to be independent for now, and try to develop myself and know for sure what i really want in life. i shouldn't be dilly-dallying as if the years would just regress while waiting for me to make up my mind.

i hope that this time would be productive for me and that i'll be able to make up for lost time. if luck so provides, i would be able to grow and be more responsible and mature. i think i've been living too much of a teenager's life, with no worries and such. i should learn to let go of that mentality, even if i would want to remain young for as long as i could. maybe this time would be a good opportunity for me to work on myself, by myself. i want to see how well i'd do on my own. it's not as if i'm running away from home or what, my dad will still be around to guide and support me but i want to try to be more active in running my life. not just "going with the flow". i should set my priorities straight. i now know that in order for me to follow through with this plan, i should make some sacrifices and lifestyle changes. i should be able to let go of certain things and at the same time, acquire some others. it won't be easy but i keep in mind that i'm doing this for myself and ultimately, for everyone around me. hope i do well on the test... and that the acid won't sting too bad.