realizations

realizations

on loop: say you love me ~ simply red

i realized something just now..... i'm too trivial. i don't take things seriously, i don't even take myself seriously. i dilly-dally too much with nonsense. i should definitely take control now. i want to let go of past baggage... forget all the pressures and stress that have been part of what put me down. of course, it's not that easy. i know that i simply cannot forget responsibilities... i just don't want to deal with them right now. i need some time for myself and with myself. as much as possible, i want to start anew. i feel like i am somehow... changing? not totally, but i guess in some ways that i have to. i also realized that too many other things occupied my mind (past tense, i'm trying to forget them) these past few months. i didn't get to arrange my priorities. i should have sensed what i needed and what i wanted... what could wait and what couldn't... what were immature nonsense and valuable necessities. i also realize that i associated myself with many things that i really didn't need and could have done without. tsk tsk shucks the mistakes.

i now know how to value my time more... everyone really should learn to look in upon themselves and see all the leaks and broken floorboards that somehow need repair. contemplation, as they call it. after which i bet one would come out refreshed and with a renewed sense of life. i thought i was pretty sensible... i was wrong. whenever i sat down and tried to sort out my thoughts, i end up shifting the blame to someone else or something else outside of myself. that way, i think i was unconsciously wiping myself free of blame and responsibility. now, i know better. that theres is no other way to deal with a problem than to face it. not put it off for later, hoping it'll rememdy itself on it's own. that doesn't work in this side of the universe. now my only problems are the leftover problems from the past. i have no intention of escaping them or leaving them be, i will fix them. but i want to do so on my own volition. all i ask for is some time work things out. no stress and pressure. i feel as if i would retalliate and then crumble into pieces if faced with pressure and stress. not very good. i am somehow at peace now. *crosses legs and eyes, then hums a buddhist chant* just kidding hehe Ü