dreams and dreamers

dreams and dreamers

on loop: look what you've done ~ jet

"look what you've done, you've made a fool out of everyone... it seems such fun, until you lose what you've won." - look what you've done, jet

isn't it so funny that dreams come when we are in slumber? probably because at that interval between life and death, we are at rest and up to some degree, some form of peace. it is at these moments that we are free to picture the things that we would want for ourselves... plans and ambitions, wants and desires, minus the harsh realities of the waking world that somehow get between dreams and reality. we see what we would like to achieve for ourselves, what we would want to have and hold. what's so funny is that even if these beautiful ideas come in sleep, one must wake up and leave these dreams behind in order to reach them for real. i'm not being very clear here with what i'm trying to say, but someday the point will come.

i am so pissed, actually. the gravity of the situation only dawned on me a few minutes ago. i am out of school i am part of the population that should be in school, but is not. the sucky thing about this is that, i want to be in school... i can afford it, i have a school and i have plans. i know i'm being so selfish right now, just whining and complaining about things i brought about myself, but i just cannot deal with the fact that i was dropped like a hot potato by the school i have grown to love, admire, and pledge loyalty to. just because i could not shift into another course. where's the justice in that? well, i suppose i deserve this, i know i really do. that much i admit. but that doesn't mean i can handle it. because right now, i am just at a loss.

for the first time in the entire period from when my memory began to work, i am not in school. i honestly cannot recall a time when i was not enrolled in an educational institution, and the thought that i am out in the open field with nothing to my name but time and failure, is extremely disconcerting. i have no idea what to do. it isn't so easy, after all. i cannot afford to go lying around, really. first, because it is against my nature to be unproductive, not stressed and un-busy. second, i have no money to throw around while waiting for the world to come pick me back up again. and third, i am not prepared to face issues like this... but at the same time, no one else can fix it for me. i just have to face the music, i have failed... big time. there goes everything i had going for myself.

people might say things such as i'm being fatalistic or that i'm a silly girl or that there are more, much more people out there in worse situations than i am. i know that, but the thing is, i am not in their shoes... and they are not in mine. so let's just deal with our own problems, allright? it wouldn't be a problem if it weren't barricading me from something. and this something is a good future. then again, a problem isn't a problem if there isn't a solution. i have always told myself that. my dad told me that this is my "destiny for this matter" and he even went as far as to say that i will have an extremely difficult time to achieve my life-long dream and purpose. it's the same as saying all the hard work i've put in my whole life, no exaggeration, is now nothing. this is an all or nothing issue for me. i guess it ain't all. my dad said that this is a turning point in my life. i have turned and slipped. i've fallen.

i dunno why this is such a big deal... when people always fall out of school and stuff. but the thing is, i was happy with how my life was going. everything was in perspective. and suddenly, in a snap, it's all gone. it's not just being in school... it's the fact that i was in the school of my dreams, in the course of my dreams, living out my dream and yet i let it slip away because i let myself make wrong decisions. i guess i'm so miserable right now because i have no purpose anymore whatsoever. i have lost everything i have worked for. and i don't think i can get it back. and no, i don't want to busy myslef with 'other' things 'just for the heck of it', because that would be stupid. and i don't wanna be stupid anymore. for now, this is my time to be miserable and wallow in the fact that i suck. people should just please grant me this tiem and space to bang my head on the proverbial wall and try to reprimand myself and at the same time, knock some sense into my head.

"i was once a dreamer. i dreamed big dreams and hurdled many nightmares while i was at it. then the time came that i woke up and realized dreams aren't all they're made out to be. now i know where bitter realists come from." - |ñ??æ|, 11-05-04